Hogwarts a History - first year book of spells, supplementary
by jade-fae
Summary: And so begins an epic tale. Or is it tail? Ah whatever. The first year at a new school is hard. But maybe the right book can change that. Or maybe not. I don't know. First of a brand new series. Hope ya like. Warning, not to be taken Sirius.
1. Chapter 1

Hogwarts a History – First year book of spells, supplementary  
Chapter 01 – Static

…

Heavy, that's what they were.

If there was one thing Hermione Granger loved it was a good book but given the size and 'weight' of the average book at Hogwarts she was beginning to think she'd need a wagon soon, or a mule.

Pondering the utility of mules, she peaked around the overlarge stack of books she was carrying. Given the size of the stack this was the only way for her to make sure she was still going in the right direction.

Of course, anyone who knows anything about proper lifting procedure can tell you just how dangerous this is but Hermione, bright girl that she was, had never been given that lecture, or read the appropriate literature, and thus continued along her way, pondering where she might obtain a mule.

That was until that damned invisible dust bunny showed up.

*trip*

"Aah!"

CRASH!

Shoving several books off her person Hermione sat with a sour expression, surrounded by her reading material, "definitely need that mule" she muttered, crawling to her feet, "or maybe an alpaca, that might work" she thought aloud as she began to collect her scattered books.

Through some miracle of fortune, or lazy contrivance of the writer, she made it the rest of the way to Gryffindor tower with no further mishaps. It took a moment to get through the portrait hole, as the fat lady had a hard time hearing her through the tipping tower of tomes.

Stepping gingerly through the opening she kept her stack from swaying too much as she walked down the short hall and entered the common room. Hearing a commotion of some sort she attempted to see what it was. This momentary distraction left her to be completely blindsided by, IT.

*ZAP*

"Gaaah!"

Her books once again went crashing to the floor as her muscles spasmed and her hair shot up like the bride of Frankenstein.

She heard someone laugh but never got a look at whom as they had already rejoined what she at first assumed to be some sort of melee. Chaos, complete and utter, ruled as 1st and 2nd years tore around the common room.

It took only a moment for her prolific mind to establish the rhyme to it all though she could not suss out a reason. She watched as several students accosted their fellows with what she instantly recognized as the same spell that she had just been on the wrong end of.

"Doh!"

The sound of a Homer Simpson drew her attention from the fracas to the ginger dimwit lying on the floor.

"Oy, who left these bloody books lying ere?" he grumbled loudly.

"Ehem."

"Huh, oh, iss just you" he said when he noticed her standing in the doorway, "Pick up yer books will ya. Ya raised in a bloody barn?"

Forcibly restraining her ire (with big heavy chains… and an unfortunately necessary ball-gag) she inquired of the ginger buffoon, "what 'exactly' is going on here?"

The redhead looked stupidly at his inquisitor, "What's what?"

[Restraining urge to throttle idiot… urge restrained, placed right next to ire]

"This!" she exclaimed, gesturing around at the mayhem that was the common room.

Catching a clue, after fumbling with it for a few seconds and almost dropping it, he picked himself up off the floor and said, "Ya never played 'gotcha'?"

"No" she said bluntly, "how do you play?"

He chuckled, "Like this" he said, whipping his wand in her direction, " _exstatic_."

"Gaaah!"

"Gotcha."

The fool had exactly three seconds to grin at his victory before his victim stopped twitching and leveled a most withering glare in his direction. Seeing her hand move he panicked and decided to exercise the better part of valor, albeit clumsily, and relocate his hindmost quarters, with discretion.

In other words, he turned tail and ran like a little whipped dog, praying to lose the angry bookworm before she could hurt him.

Giving an angry 'harrumph' Hermione proceeded to collect her scattered tomes, again. Depositing her stack on a small end table, which groaned ominously, she noticed Harry sitting in the chair doing his charms homework.

Finding it odd to see him not playing she inquired, "You're not playing with the others?"

"I was" he replied quietly.

Her feminine instincts detected the distress in his tone, she resolved to further broach the topic in a subtle and understanding manner, "What happened?".

Yeah, subtle like a brick to the head.

Harry didn't speak but simply pointed to the chair across from him, only then did Hermione notice the occupant.

Neville had certainly seen better days, she thought. His hair was standing up with a defiance to gravity that wouldn't have been expected from the timid boy and his eyes seemed to be stuck on their deer in the headlights setting. The cause of it all was made evident by the sporadic twitching and occasional discharge of stray volts.

"Oh honestly" she declared, "How many people zapped you?"

"Just… one" he managed to get out between spasms.

Hermione was properly aghast.

"Yeah, overdid it a little" Harry admitted, too ashamed to even look up, "they decided I shouldn't play after that."

Hermione was at a loss for words, "That's absolutely barbaric" never mind, she found some.

Adequately distracted by her own indignation she never noticed a presence sneaking up on her behind until…

*KERZAP*

"Gaaah!"

"Hehe, Gotcha. Uh, whatcha gonna do with tha… hey, ow, ooww, stop it, ow, hey, I said ow, ow, mercy, uncle, ow, I give, I give ow."

"Oh, I'm sorry, did you say something" she asked sweetly, holding the overlarge book she'd been using to bludgeon the fool to the floor.

"Gah, jeez, crazy bint…"

[Inappropriate response registered… commence attitude adjustment]

"Oops."

"WhaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa…. mommy."

The entire room fell silent as the wailing cry of the emasculated Ronald Weasley trailed off to a pathetic whimper.

Hermione glanced around the suddenly quiet room.

Feeling the crushing gaze of her peers she merely shrugged and dislodged her reading material from the gingers crotch, "Oh honestly," she said imperiously, "It wasn't even the biggest book I had."

The only response to this declaration was a pathetic whimper from down by her feet.


	2. Chapter 2

Hogwarts a History – First year book of spells, supplementary  
Chapter 02 – The book

…

'Stupid, inconsiderate, little git'

Hermione tore furiously through the library, the previous day still fresh in her mind, and her hair which had stubbornly refused to come down.

'Insensitive, Inconsistent… ugly smelly…'

She'd been ranting in her head for almost an hour and was beginning to run out of ways to adequately describe the youngest Weasley son without repeating herself. This of course only added to her frustration. I mean really, just one hour. Clearly she needed a good long sit down with a thesaurus as soon as possible.

In German perhaps. Such a delightfully guttural language.

Coming to Hogwarts she'd hoped things would be different from her other school. Hoped, perhaps foolishly, that magical people would be more accepting.

No such luck.

If anything she'd found many of them to be worse than the bullies at her old school. She admitted, though only to herself, it frightened her, magic in the hands of bullies. She'd heard some of the other students talking and she'd seen first-hand a few of the pranks pulled by the Weasley twins.

Unwilling to deal with such thoughts she put them away for the time being.

[In a tiny box in the dark corner of her mind, right under where her ire was still chained up.]

Despite having taken out several books the previous day she was once again scouring the library for literature, one could never have too many books after all. Though in truth she was mostly just avoiding the common room, taking refuge in the one place that had always been her sanctuary. What she wouldn't have given for a friend instead, just one, that wasn't unreasonable, was it?

It was a pipedream she had realized but that didn't stop her from wanting it. She'd be willing to put up with almost anything for just one friend. But no, instead here she was hiding in the library while the rest of her housemates tore around the common room electrocuting each other… actually come to think of it things weren't really so bad now were they.

Oh who was she kidding?

She'd have been willing to put up with a dozen Ron Weasley's and any stupid inane game they wanted to play if only she could be included.

She sighed, a heavy forlorn sigh as she shoved another book back onto the shelves and continued down the length.

"Gaaaah."

*Whoompf*

Hermione cringed. Seemed the universe wasn't satisfied with her being ostracized by her peers, it had to throw in some physical humiliation as well.

"What tripped me" she wondered aloud.

The offending object stood out proudly, a thick tome half on and half off the shelf. A perfect stumbling hazard if ever there was one. Seeing the culprit she resisted the standard urge to kick the stupid thing and instead pulled it out for a proper examination, she could always kick it later.

"Standard book of spells… supplementary", what an odd title she thought.

She'd certainly never heard of their being supplementary material to their text books. If she had she'd have been sure to get it. Perhaps it simply wasn't used anymore. The book did look a bit old and worn. Of course this really made no sense to her. If the material existed there was no good reason it shouldn't be taught.

Giving a shrug she opened the book and began to read, and read, and read some more. As minutes turned to hours she found herself drawn further and further into the text. The author was far more engaging than any she'd ever found in a text book before, and the material, well, some of it seemed a bit silly but she couldn't help but be fascinated by ever single spell detailed.

Finally realizing what time it was she took her new discovery to the check out and began heading back to the tower, nose firmly in book.

Navigating the halls with surprising skill, for someone who wasn't watching where they were going, she managed to get halfway to the tower before Mr. Murphy stepped in and…

*Whoompf*

*Oof*

"Ow, geez, watch where yur goin."

She knew that voice. Looking up she saw the irritating form of Ronald Bilius Weasley staring contemptuously back at her.

"Can't even pull yur nose out of the books long enough to walk down the halls" he sniped.

"Some of us came here to learn" she shot back, standing up and dusting herself off, "not just for the buffet."

Ron snorted, "Oh yeah, why dontcha 'learn' how ta walk" and with that he strode off feeling very superior.

Hermione growled, her annoyance at the ginger git coming to a peak.

"Hey!"

The youngest Weasley son turned to find a wand in the hands of a very angry witch pointed in his direction.

" _Cranius Sole_."

*BOOT TO DA HEAD*

"Huh" was all he had time to say before…

*BOOM* *THUD*

Hermione looked at her handiwork with a satisfied smirk. Picking up her new best friend she strode off leaving Ron Weasley lying stunned on the floor wondering where in the hell that boot had come from.


	3. Chapter 3

Hogwarts a History – First year book of spells, supplementary  
Chapter 03 – Brain Freeze

…

Harry Potter had been through several experiences in his life that had turned his world upside down. Having his parents murdered as an infant had been one. Finding out he was a wizard and that magic was real had been another.

Then of course there was his current predicament. Being hung upside down in the fist of a massive mountain troll had certainly been an inversion in perspective.

"Do something" he shouted.

"What?" Ron whined back.

"Anything" not like he was in a position to be picky.

In a rare moment, Ronald Bilius Weasley engaged the mighty engine of his brain… only for it to sputter, cough and refuse to turn over. Well bugger.

"I got nothing" he announced.

"Fabulous!"

He was going to die, Harry realized. He'd escaped one bad situation with three abusive trolls only to come upon another one. Maybe it was just his lot to be trolled no matter where he went.

The-boy-who-was-trolled.

"Somebody help!"

"Cranio Frigilius."

What?

"What?" Ron yelled

"Cranio Frigilius" Hermione shouted again while pointing vehemently at the troll's head.

"Uh, Cran yo Frig lis, Ranio Frigidius" Ron stumbled and fumbled uselessly.

"Cranio Frigilius" Hermione repeated.

"Hey, you try doing this under pressure" Ron screamed.

"It's not a difficult pronunciation" she screamed back.

"Well some of us can't tie our tongue in knots."

Listening to the two bicker Harry decided he was going to have to save himself.

When the troll lifted him up again he threw himself as hard as he could at the things face reaching for his wand.

" _Cranio Frigilius_ " he commanded just as his fingertips brushed the end of his magical focus.

This declaration agitated the troll who pulled Harry as far from its face as possible. It tried to glare at the little meat sack but suddenly felt a tickle. Distractedly it twitched its nose trying to make it go away.

Harry watched the trolls face contort and twitch like it wanted to sneeze. Frost appeared on its eyebrows followed by patches of ice on its cheeks. All at once its hands went to grasp its head, releasing its club and Harry.

With the aid of gravity, the young man descended to the floor with all do haste, which would have been much nicer if he hadn't been traveling head first.

The troll, oblivious to things like gravity, was more concerned with its own head. Its skull ached worse than the last time it had tried to think and it really wanted to sneeze but something was stopping it. Angrily it grabbed the stick up its nose and yanked it out. This did not help one bit and as the ice grew to encase its entire cranium the nine-foot beast had but one conscious mental utterance.

'Doh!'

Stunned and possibly concussed, Harry was still sufficiently in charge of his faculties to perform a dodging roll as the troll toppled over. That however didn't prepare him for its head to explode into icy red chunks upon impact.

"Oh gross" Ron expressed the collective feeling of the room.

"Ew, frozen troll bogies" Harry complained as he retrieved his discarded wand.

"What the bloody hell was that spell?"

"Brain freeze" said Hermione.

"What?"

"Brain freeze" she repeated, "it's supposed to give you something like an ice cream headache" she explained.

The two boys looked at the shattered head.

"I think that's a bit worse than an ice cream headache" said Ron.

Hermione just nodded, "Harry must have overpowered the spell."

"Ya know, I'm okay with that" said The-boy-who-was-trolled.

"You… you saved me."

Before Harry could reply the blubbering girl had latched on and was getting his robe all wet.

"Uh, there, there" well how was he supposed to know what to do.

Then the teachers showed up. 'After' the danger was over.

I really hope this isn't going to be a trend, thought Harry.


	4. Chapter 4

Hogwarts a History – First year book of spells, supplementary  
Chapter 04 – Fire under your ass

…

"Ronald, you need to do this."

"I'll get to it."

"Why can't you get to it now?"

"Why do I have to get to it now?"

"Because if you don't you won't get to it at all."

"I'll get to it."

"Oh really? When?"

" 'Ventually."

"And when is 'ventually?"

"When I get to it."

"Uugh!"

…

"Are you hearin this?" Dean said with a chuckle.

"She's waistin er time" said Seamus.

"Huh?"

Harry hadn't been listening. His nose had been deep in the first years new favorite book.

"Readin it again Harry?" Dean teased.

Harry nodded, "Third time actually" he said, "I feel like I find something new every time I go through it. So, what were we talking about?"

Dean and Seamus just gestured to the common room drama.

"At it again?"

The two boys nodded.

"Seems pointless don't it?" said Seamus.

"The schedule queen can not overcome the slacking king" said Dean.

"That's very eloquent Dean."

"Thank you Lavender."

"Did you need something Lavender?" Harry asked.

"We were just going to start a game of exploding snap, who's in?"

Dean and Seamus were game, but Harry politely declined, "Want to keep reading before Hermione reclaims it."

The others chuckled but left him to his reading.

"Honestly!"

Not that it lasted very long.

"Ello Hermione" Harry greeted, giving up on finishing his latest read through.

"I cannot believe that… boy! How can any living creature be so unmotivated?"

Harry said nothing. What could he say? He liked Ron but Hermione had a point. When it came to motivation Ron's brothers had clearly gotten the lion's share.

[Hehe, lion's share, cuz, ya know, Gryffindor's, a lion and… ah never mind.]

"So, I finished my homework" Harry offered, trying to placate the frizzy poodle head.

"Good! Good, I'll look it over later I just…"

Seeing his new friends frustration he slid the book over to her.

"Would a book help?"

They both laughed at the gesture "Thank you Harry."

"Wonder if there's anything in there that might motivate him" Harry mused.

"One can only hope."

Some hours later, after everyone else had wandered off to bed, and Hermione herself was beginning to consider it, she turned a page and came to an abrupt stop. She didn't remember this.

Her exhaustion vanished as she scanned the unfamiliar text. She began to grin. Then she began to cackle. It was perfect, exactly what she needed to light a fire under that obnoxious slackers behind.

…

"And when were you planning to get to it?"

" 'Ventually."

"Sweet Merlin are they at it again?"

Harry couldn't help but agree with Dean. He would have thought Hermione smart enough to recognize a lost cause but apparently not. Maybe the girl just liked to argue.

"Alright Ronald, that's it."

Uh oh, thought everyone within earshot.

"Since you can't be bothered to motivate yourself then I suppose it falls to me" she declared, drawing her wand.

"Whoa, hey… let's not…" he stammered as he attempted to escape.

" _Motiva Flamarea_!"

He cowered back under the spell as he waited for it to do, whatever it was going to do. He waited, and waited, he would have probably kept waiting but he suddenly needed to itch his butt.

"What happened?"

"Not much by the look of it."

It was true. Hermione stared at her wand perplexed. The spell should have worked, she did everything properly.

Utterly confounded she turned her back on her 'victim' and went in search of her reference material. The others waited till she passed before approaching Ron.

"Ron, mate, howdya feel?"

The three boys watched as the ginger squirmed in his seat.

"My bum itches."

The boys breathed a collective sigh of relief.

"Seriously mate, yur playin with fire" said Dean.

"We thought she was gunna kill you" added Seamus.

"I thought she was gunna kill me" said Ron as he dragged his behind vigorously back and forth on his chair.

"Ron, are you okay?" asked Harry.

"It itches" he whined as his gyration accelerated, "feels like it's, it's, hah, ah, ah…"

A fiery explosion knocked the three boys off their feet.

"Me ass is on fire! Me ass is on fire!"

The three watched as their roommate, buns ablaze, danced around in circles trying to swat out the flames on his rear before he gave up and started running around the room.

"Me ass is on fire! Me ass is on fire!"

It was kinda surreal, Harry thought. He knew he should be trying to help but all he could do was watch as Ron did laps around the room while proclaiming the obvious.

"Am I the only one who thinks this is hilarious?"

Seamus wilted when the other two turned on him.

"Yeah, me neither" he mumbled.

"I don't understand it, that spell should have worked" Hermione mumbled as she returned with book in hand.

"Hermione!"

Said girl looked up from her book just in time to be nearly bowled over.

"What the bloody hell!?"

The others watched as the bushy haired girl gaped at her handiwork, cause what else could it have been. Asses didn't just spontaneously ignite on their own after all.

"Wha… bu, I … it's…"

"Hey guys."

"Neville, watch out!"

"Huh" were the timid boy's final words before the ginger freight train knocked him off his feet only to be trampled under Ron's.

"Poor Neville" said Dean.

"Never had a chance" agreed Harry.

"Oh, looks like he's caught fire now too" observed Seamus.

"What, aah! I'm on fire! I'm on fire!" he squealed while flailing around in a panic.

"Stop, drop and roll Neville" Harry shouted.

"Spose we oughta stop him before this gets out of hand" said Dean.

And as the three boys went to wrangle old hot pocket Weasley, Hermione just stood flabbergasted.

Okay, so the result wasn't exactly what she'd been going for but on the plus side he was out of the chair, that had to count for something right? Right?

"Oh sweet Merlin why isn't anyone helping me!?"


	5. Chapter 5

Hogwarts a History – First year book of spells, supplementary  
Chapter 05 – Fun with fire

…

"Harry, I'm scared."

What an odd way to start a conversation Harry thought, "Scared of what Ron."

"Hermione."

Oh, "This again Ron."

"I'm tellin ya, ever since she set Snape on fire she's been different."

"Come on Ron, you know that was an accident. Who knew Snape was so flammable? Besides, you can't tell me you didn't enjoy those three weeks Madam Pomphrey had to teach potions while Snape was out."

Everyone else not in Slytherin certainly had.

"If Snape was the only one getting burned I wouldn't be complaining" said Ron, "but it's not."

"Come on Ron, aren't you being a little overdramatic."

"She's set me on fire seven times Harry, SEVEN!" Ron shouted.

"Does that include when she set your bum on fire?" Harry wondered.

This gave Ron a moment's pause, "Eight times!"

Harry could see his friend was not going to let up on this, so he set aside his homework to give Ron his full attention.

"Alright Ron, let's take it from the top. When did you start being afraid of Hermione?"

"When she set my bloody arse on fire" he cried.

"You know that was an accident Ron" Harry sighed.

"Snape then."

"Also, an accident."

"Yeah but that was different" Ron insisted, "you didn't see her face Harry, it wasn't right."

"What do you mean, wasn't right?"

"She was grinning."

Oh, sweet Merlin, "Oh no, grinning" really now.

"It wasn't right I tell you, it wasn't a normal grin. It was crazy, you could see it in her eyes. I know crazy Harry."

You mean you are crazy, "So she looked a little off one time."

"It wasn't just one time, that's just how it started. Next she wanted to try out a spell she found in this book she heard about, I don't know…"

"The Book of Flame by Igneous Blaze" said Harry.

"How did you…"

"She's been carrying it around almost as much as the supplementary book. Seemed a safe guess."

"Did you read it?" Ron quivered.

"Only a couple chapters while she was using the book I needed."

"So, you know, you know what's inside. You know what she's been doing to me?"

Harry stared at the twitching ginger with concern, "Pretend I don't" he said.

"It started out innocent enough, she just wanted to try out a spell, she made me do it. It was just the arm that time. Hardly felt it."

"Kay" Harry said when his friend paused, lost in thought.

"Next time it was my head. My head Harry. She set my head on fire!"

"Looks fine to me" Harry offered nervously.

"Of course. She has to fix me, can't afford to lose her Guinea pig. That's all I am to her, a Guinea pig."

"Now you're just being silly Ron" Harry said.

"There you are Mr. Guinea pig!"

Harry watched the color bleed from Ron's face as Hermione announced her presence.

"I have been looking all over for you!" the bushy haired girl declared marching up to him with purpose and grabbing him by the collar.

"Hermione wait" said Harry as she began dragging their mutual friend out of the common room.

"Yes" she stopped and turned to him.

Harry had a deer in the headlights moment when his brainy friend turned her attention on him. In that moment, he understood what Ron had been trying to tell him. It wasn't right, it wasn't natural. No mentally balanced person should grin like that. It was like she was a hair's breadth away from bursting into maniacal laughter.

Given what was facing him, Harry did the only thing he could think to do.

"Be safe" he said.

"What!"

"Why thank you Harry" she said sweetly before turning back to the exit.

"No! No! Traitor! Judas! Help me you bastards!" Ron cried.

"Come along Mr. Guinea pig, we have things to BURN!"

Everyone in the room felt a chill run down their spines as the deranged cackling echoed through the doorway.

Harry, not a little ashamed of himself, sent up a prayer for his friend, hoping against hope things would turn out alright.

…

"Come on Harry, it was bound to happen eventually" Ron said with a cheerful grin.

"I still don't like it" Harry said as the two boys walked down the halls towards the hospital wing.

"Yeah well, you're not the one she was lighting on fire."

"That doesn't make it okay to play around with her head" Harry protested.

"Ministry does it with the muggles all the time."

"That doesn't make it right."

"Well it doesn't really matter, can't change it now" said Ron far too cheerfully.

Harry grumbled but he couldn't argue the point. It was done and there was nothing he could do about it.

…

"You're sure you feel alright?"

"I told you Harry, I feel fine" Hermione assured him for the third time, "I just want to put the whole thing behind me. I already lost three days in the Hospital Wing, I need to start revising or I'm never going to catch up before the holidays."

Well she certainly sounded alright, Harry thought. And as she chattered on about her school work as they waited for the staircase he began to believe he'd been worried over nothing.

Then one of the wall torches nearby burst into life and it happened.

"Fire Bad!"

Harry and Ron both stared as their female friend slowly inched away from the torch as if it were a venomous viper.

"Uh, Hermione?"

"Huh, oh, yes um, what were we talking about?"

Ron took the opportunity to change the subject, but Harry remained silent. There was nothing he could do about it, he knew that, but still, it didn't make him feel any less guilty.


	6. Chapter 6

Hogwarts a History – First year book of spells, supplementary  
Chapter 06 – Macho Magic

…

"So Neville, what can we do for ya?" Dean asked chipperly.

"Well, I've been thinking, and I know I want to get one before I go home for the holidays it's just, I'm not sure what I should get" the timid boy explained.

"Hmm, yes I see your predicament" he said thoughtfully rubbing his stubble, "whatcha think fella's?"

The other first year boys gathered round to examine the specimen. Neville felt no small amount of apprehension with all the hair suddenly surrounding him.

"I say we start throwing and see what sticks" said Seamus with a laugh that made his big scraggly beard shake.

"Wise man says, fools rush in where angels fear to tread" said Harry calmly stroking his long black chin piece.

"Oy, you callin me a fool" Seamus demanded like a belligerent drunk.

"If the shoe fits" said Ron, smirking as he twirled his pink moustache like a cartoon villain.

"That's it!" shouted the Irishman.

As Seamus and Ron began brawling while Harry observed from a safe distance Dean returned his attention to Neville, "Well, as you can see a man's choice of facial hair can say a lot about him" he said as the hairy drunkard wrestled with the moustache twirler while the wisely sage looked on.

"I don't think any of those are really me" said the bashful boy.

"Well none of them started like that either" said Dean, "we played around with all of them for a while, then Fred and George got involved and things got kinda crazy."

Neville gave a little chuckle, "Yeah, I can imagine" he didn't know them well but he knew well enough to stay as far away from them as possible.

"So why don't we try out a few and see if we can't find 'your' inner man" said Dean.

"My inner man" Neville repeated with trepidation.

"No matter what anyone says, it is the beard that makes the man."

…

"On your way out then Neville?" Harry asked.

"Yep."

"Well that oughta keep your face warm over the Hols" Ron observed, twirling his pink moustache as he was want to do.

Neville stroked his fine facial hair, "I feel very rugged."

"You look very rugged" Harry agreed, "and not at all pink."

Ron scowled, "Gonna kill Fred and George."

The other two boys had a chuckle over that but were suddenly interrupted.

"Well would you look at this."

The three turned to glare at the intruder and his hangers on.

"Look boys, we found those animals Professor Kettleburn was looking for."

Ron growled when the oaf's laughed.

"Hey Weasley, what's with that hairy pink worm on your lip?"

Ron lunged angrily against the table, the only think keeping him from throttling the blonde.

"Wise man says, never rush to violence" Harry stated, internally restraining himself as well.

"Yeah" said Neville with a nod.

Then to everyone's surprise Neville Longbottom, most timid boy in school, walked right up to the three Slytherin's and stopped.

Draco was perplexed but, never missing a chance to posture, "What you think you're doing Longbottom?"

"Not rushing" said Neville.

Before Draco could understand what he meant Neville gave him a hard left that set the bird boned blonde spinning round, twice.

Draco came to a stop facing Neville and for a moment the two simply looked at each other. Then Draco opened his mouth, closed his mouth, crossed his eyes, and toppled over backwards.

Crabbe and Goyle stood dumbfounded.

Neville turned to Ron and Harry "Happy Christmas lads, see you in the new year."

And with that he planted his foot firmly in Draco's nether regions. The feminine scream was cut short by the foot on his chest and Neville Longbottom strode proudly from the hall.

All those still conscious looked after him in awe.

"I guess Dean was right" Ron said, "the beard does make the man."

"You think that's why Draco screamed like such a girl?"

The two Gryffindor's chuckled while the two Slytherin's looked back and forth, unsure what to do.

Seeing their confusion, Harry decided to be nice, "Wise man says" and he waited till he was sure he had their attention, "you're gonna want to put some ice on that."

The two large blokes nodded then each grabbed one side of their leader and shuffled out of the hall.

"Well, under the circumstances I think it deserves to be said" Harry remarked, "Happy Christmas Ron."

Ron laughed, "Happy Christmas Harry."


	7. Chapter 7

Hogwarts a History – First year book of spells, supplementary  
Chapter 07 – Slip and Slide

…

"Catch meeeee."

Lavender squealed as she slid across the stone floor like it was made of ice.

"I can't" cried Parvati.

The two girls collided and Lavenders force, being greater than Parvati's, carried them to the edge of the spell. They made an abrupt stop which sent them tumbling over into a giggling heap.

"This is so much fun!" Lavender exclaimed.

"Ain't it the truth" said Dean as he and Seamus came moonwalking over.

The two girls laughed when Dean hit the edge and fell into a backward somersault.

"Seven points!" Lavender declared.

"Meh, I give it a six" said Parvati.

"Awwww."

The first years of Gryffindor laughed as they stood watching or slid by on their magical indoor ice rink.

"Have we mentioned how glad we are you found this spell Harry?" said Lavender.

"Because we are" added Parvati.

Harry gave an embarrassed chuckle, "You should thank Hermione, she found the book."

"Thank you Hermione!" they all chorused.

"Oh honestly" said the brainy girl blushing like a Weasley.

"So, I've got to ask" Lavender said, "what happened to you boys over the holidays?"

The assembled boys looked at each other confused.

"Aren't you all missing something, in the facial area?"

There was a collective "Oh!".

"Well I don't know bout the rest but my dad thought it was a good time to teach me how to shave" said Dean.

"Yur lucky" said Seamus, "me mum got one look at me and had a fit. 'There won't be no hairy beasts in my house', she said."

The two girls giggled, "What about you Neville?"

"I'm not actually sure" he said as he slid across the floor on his butt, "I woke up the morning I had to catch the train and it was gone."

"Just like that?" said Harry.

Neville nodded, "Pretty sure Gran had something to do with it though."

"What makes ya say that?" asked Ron.

"She never mentioned it, not once, despite it being there ever since I got home."

"Suspicious" Harry singsonged which set off the giggles again.

"And what about you Harry?"

"I had Percy teach me a charm to shave it off, after I stepped on it and almost fell into the fireplace."

"Maybe wait till you're a little taller" offered Parvati.

"That was kinda my thought" Harry agreed.

"And what about you Ron?"

"I had Harry shave it off" said Ron.

"Why though" Lavender persisted.

Ron gave the girl a flat look, "It was pink."

There was some good-natured snickering at this while everyone at last came to a stop on the same side of the spell.

"Suppose we ought to be calling it a night" Harry said pulling his wand, " _Frictus Norm_!"

There was a brief shimmer as friction returned to normal.

"We should do this more often" Lavender chirped.

"Do what?" asked Ron.

"This, whole group thing. I'm pretty sure this is the first time we've all been together outside of class."

This gave the other students pause.

"You know, she's right" said Dean.

"We could study together" offered Hermione.

All present groaned.

"Next group activity" Lavender declared, "teach Hermione how to have fun."

"Yes!" they shouted.

"Ah! I know how to have fun" Hermione declared with a pout.

"You shouldn't make that face" said Dean, "it might get stuck that way."

"Maybe I want it to get stuck that way" Hermione shot back which just made everyone laugh.

"Meowww!"

All joviality was forgotten as everyone turned to see Mrs. Norris not ten feet from them.

"Oh bugger" Ron cursed.

"If she's here, that must mean…" Harry started.

"Mrs. Norris" a familiar voice called.

"Filch!"

"It's past curfew" said Hermione.

"What do we do?"

"Run" Harry said a bit too loudly.

They didn't have to be told twice. The collected first years of Gryffindor ran as quickly as they could but Mrs. Norris was never far behind them.

"We need to lose that cat."

"Around the corner" Harry ordered, pulling his wand, " _Frictus Null_!"

The spell struck just as they turned the corner, turning the patch at the curve as slippery as glare ice. Mrs. Norris discovered this first hand when her paw touched down but was unable to grip. Unfortunately, as a cat she lacked the intelligence to do anything but fumble around as her momentum carried her right into the wall. Fortunately, being a cat she didn't connect with all that much force.

"Mrs. Norris, there you are."

Unfortunately Argus Filch, who was not much smarter than his cat, did connect with considerable force.


	8. Chapter 8

Hogwarts a History – First year book of spells, supplementary  
Chapter 08 – Blow me down

…

"Boat?"

"Check."

"Sail?"

"Check."

"Mates?"

"Check Mate!"

The four boys standing at the edge of the lake broke out laughing.

"Okay, but seriously, are we ready to go?" asked Dean.

"As ready as we'll ever be" Harry said, looking at their little boat and its bedsheet sail with some trepidation.

"Works for me" said Dean, "all aboard ya lubbers!"

"Aye Captain!"

The four boys scrambled into their little dinghy and took up their positions.

"Ready first mate Finnegan?"

"Ready Cap'n!"

"Second mate Longbottom?"

"Aye Captain."

"Pilot Potter?"

"At your command Captain" said Harry readying his wand.

"Cast off!"

Seamus and Neville untied the ropes on their respective sides and threw them ashore.

"And now Mr. Potter, bring me the wind!"

" _Viento_ " Harry incanted.

The sails filled and tugged at their restraints until, with a lurch, the boat floated away from the shore and out onto the lake.

"We've made water Captain" Seamus declared.

"Where have we made water?" the captain asked.

"In my pants sir!"

Neville laughed at the absurd byplay and Harry fought the snickers while trying to maintain his spell.

"How long have you two been waiting to make that joke?" Harry asked.

"Since we decided to do this" Dean replied.

"Yeah, it's been so hard keeping it in when it just wanted to burst out" shouted Seamus.

"Into your pants" added Neville.

Dean and Harry nearly fell off the boat laughing while Seamus just gaped.

"Neville!"

"Nice one."

Neville grinned, his usual timidity forgotten as Harry blew them further out onto the water.

"Say Harry, can I ask you something?"

"Only if it doesn't involve my pants" Harry replied.

After a bout of snickers, "I was just wondering where you learned that spell?" asked Neville.

"Parvati actually."

"Oh. So where'd she learn it?"

"The book."

"You mean that supple… suppe… sedimentary book?" Seamus wondered aloud.

"Supplementary. And yes, that one." Harry corrected.

"I was close."

Harry chuckled but let him believe, "Funny story actually, when I told Hermione about it she dang near had a conniption."

"What for."

"Because she, and I quote, 'read through that book seven times and I've never seen that spell', unquote."

"Not like her to miss something like that" said Neville.

Harry shook his head, "Yeah, she's pretty sure the book must be enchanted somehow."

"Maybe" said Dean, "that's actually where I found the beard spell."

"It's where I got that zero-friction spell" said Harry, "she'd never seen that one either."

"Bet she didn't like that."

"Last I saw her this morning she had her butt in a chair and her nose in the book. Probably where she'll be when we go back in too" said Harry.

"Ron must be happy" said Dean, "if she's busy she won't be on his case to do his homework."

"Speaking of Ron" said Seamus, "what was he doing that was so important he couldn't come with us?"

"His after meal nap" said Harry.

And the men did chortle merrily.

"That boy needs some get up and go" said Dean.

"I think it got up and left" said Neville.

"Oh Neville! Two in a row, nice."

"Ice!"

"No Seamus, nice" Dean corrected.

"No, Ice!" he said pointing ahead.

"Oh crumb!" said Dean as he saw what lay ahead.

"Starting to think we should have waited another month before trying this" said Harry when he spotted the patchwork of floating ice.

"Grab the oars, we'll clear a path" Dean commanded, "Mr. Potter, don't lose that wind."

A resounding "Aye Captain" came from all as they leapt to their tasks.

[Not literally leapt of course. I mean, with as small as their boat was they couldn't really leap. Except overboard which wouldn't have even taken a whole leap to do. More like a half leap, barely a hop. But, yeah, anyway…]

"Good lads, shove those bergs aside just like that" Dean said as they pushed through the flows.

"We didn't name our boat Titanic by any chance" asked Harry.

"We didn't name it at all" said Dean.

"Just so long as it isn't Titanic we should be fine."

"We should turn back Captain" shouted Seamus as he poled another miniature iceberg.

"Nonsense first mate, you aren't afraid of a little frozen water are ye?"

As if on cue, there was a deep groan that shook the water and two giant tentacles punched through the ice.

"No Captain, not the 'frozen water'."

"Kraken!"

The tentacles waved around in the air as the four boys did their best impression of the proverbial chicken sans head.

"Man the cannons! Hard to port! Why is the rum gone?!"

As the Captain shouted 'commands' to his panicking crew the giant squid continued to flail its tentacles. If the massive cephalopod could have laughed it would have shaken the entire lake. Students rarely took boats out onto the lake anymore. This was the most fun it'd had in ages.

It wondered just how long these four would stay and play with it.


	9. Chapter 9

Hogwarts a History – First year book of spells, supplementary  
Chapter 09 – Tame the beast

…

"So, we're agreed? We're really going to do this?" said Lavender.

"If not us then who?" Parvati countered, "We've been forced to deal with it all year. It's well past time."

"Given what we're up against I understand why you asked for my help" said Padma.

"Oh no, I just thought you'd want to" said Parvati grinning at her sister.

"I do" said the Ravenclaw twin grinning back.

"I'm having second thoughts" Lavender blurted.

The two dark skinned girls looked at her in surprise.

"Oh really!"

"But why?"

"Mules are less stubborn" said Lavender, "And there's a vindictive streak that seriously worries me."

"We can't back out now" insisted Parvati.

"This was your idea" reminded Padma.

"It was a bad one" Lavender cowered, "I'm too young to die."

The twins sighed, "Now you're just being ridiculous."

"We all agreed."

"We're doing it."

"The hairy beast will be dealt with!"

"Or we'll all die trying" said Lavender.

…

The three selfless young women observed their quarry. Their cover was sufficient to screen them from view while still giving them a line of sight to their target. It was docile now, completely unawares, so great was their stealth. Or it could have been the book her nose was shoved in, that may have been it.

"Are we ready?" asked Parvati as the squatted behind the couch.

Padma's chipper "Yes" was perfectly mirrored by Lavenders "No".

"Alright, let's go."

The advance was simple and straightforward. Point A to point B, no diversions. They'd almost reached the great bushy mess when, a twitch, perhaps some inherent sense, the book came down and there they stood in the gaze of the beast.

"Hello Hermione" said Parvati with feigned nonchalance.

Hermione opened her mouth to reply but was cut off by Lavender.

" _Petrificus Totalis_!"

The spell was incanted more than loud enough for the entire common room to hear. Apart from her companions no one even batted an eye.

House unity anyone?

"You jumped the gun Lav" said Parvati.

"Don't judge me" Lavender pouted.

Parvati sighed while her sister giggled.

Returning her attention to Hermione she drew her wand and levitated the girl into the air, "I want you to know we're doing this for your own good" she said, heading up the stairs with her compatriots and their capture in tow.

"You think she'll believe that?" Padma asked Lavender as they followed.

"I think we need to get her wand before the spell wears off" said Lavender.

… 1 hour later

"Seriously Dean, there is no way we could get a cannon on that boat, even if it were still in one piece" said Harry.

"I'm still curious where he thinks we're gonna get a cannon" Neville whispered to Seamus who simply nodded.

"Okay, clearly we need to upgrade" Dean admitted, "and we'll do it! Because Gryffindor's do not quit. We will not allow this insult to stand" he declared jumping onto a chair with a soggy squelch, "we're going to teach that ruddy beast not to mess with us, right lads?"

"Yo!"

"What are you boys on about?"

The four boys turned their attention to their enquirer.

"Hey Parvati" said Dean, hopping off his impromptu podium, "and uh, the other Parvati."

"I suppose you all haven't met my sister Padma?"

Said sister gave a little wave which the boys politely returned.

"Twins is it" said Seamus suspiciously, "So then, which one is the 'evil' twin?"

"She is" they echoed.

"So, are we waiting for someone?" asked Harry, gesturing to the staircase they were all standing in front of.

"Yeah, we're just waiting for HERMIONE TO COME DOWN!" Parvati hollered up the stairs.

"I won't do it!" came the reply.

Harry looked perplexed, "What's going on?"

"Nothing much, she's just being very childish" said Padma.

With no idea what was going on, Harry stepped up to the edge of the stairs, "Hermione, please come down."

There was a moments pause before, "No. You'll laugh at me."

Now even more confused, "We won't laugh at you Hermione."

"Yes you will" she shouted back.

"I promise we will not laugh."

Again silence, but just when they started to think she was ignoring them they heard the faint tap of footsteps. A moment later they saw the foot and then everything else attached to it.

All present stared but it was Seamus who voiced their minds.

"This is what all the fuss was about?"

Before them stood Hermione Granger as they had never seen her before. The white lacy dress was nice but it was the hair that really caught their attention. The normally bushy disaster was done up in 6 large curls that framed her face, and all topped with an adorable white bow.

While barely recognizable as Hermione Granger, there was nothing about the presentation that inspired one to laugh.

"I'm confused" said Dean, "you look cute, why did you think anyone would laugh?"

Hermione turned red, "I am not cute!"

"No, I'm with Dean" said Seamus, "cute."

"You look very cute Hermione" said Neville who then blushed after realizing he'd just told a girl she was cute.

Hermione, practically on the verge of tears, turned to Harry.

"You look cute" said Harry.

"You're all making fun of me" she shouted in fury and humiliation.

"We're not making fun of you" Harry insisted.

"Who's making fun of what now?"

The sudden entrance of a sleep addled Ron momentarily paused the drama, until he saw the cute girl on the staircase.

"Who's that then?

The question caused a near irresistible urge in all who heard it to face fault. Fortunately, since this is Britain and not Japan the urge was stifled, though that didn't stop some, like Hermione, from being utterly gob smacked.

"That's Hermione Ron" said Harry.

"What?" Ron looked at the adorable doll in disbelief then back to Harry, "Okay, but seriously, who is that?"

"It's me you dolt!" said the well coifed young lady daintily putting her foot up side his head.

"Do you believe us now?" asked Harry, forcing the girl to look at him.

Exchanging her anger for embarrassment, "I… I suppose" she said evasively.

"Well, come on then" said the Patil's pushing her across the common room.

"What? Where are we going?"

"To lunch" said Padma.

"So we can show you off" said Parvati.

"I am not a show pony" Hermione protested as she was hurriedly rushed out of the tower.

The boys stared after, baffled at the absurdity they'd just witnessed.

"Is she gone?" a voice queried.

All eyes turned to, "Lavender! What are you doing under the couch?"

"Hiding from Hermione" she said none too proudly.

The young men of Gryffindor all looked at one another and shared a single thought.

"Girls are weird" Ron said.

"Yes."

"Uh huh."

"Oh yeah."

"Absolutely."


	10. Chapter 10

Hogwarts a History – First year book of spells, supplementary  
Chapter 10 – Yur killin me here

…

Harry stopped a moment to rest before proceeding into the chamber.

The last room in this seemingly endless series of challenges had given his adrenaline a break and he was starting to feel the inevitable exhaustion. After all, solving a logic puzzle and jumping through fire was hardly comparable to being devoured by fire, or a chimera, or a giant spider, or the creepy turtle thing that wanted his butt.

And Merlin only knew, none of those compared with… the horror. Harry shuddered at the memory.

"To soon, to soon."

The troll that had followed was a welcome distraction and an oddly pleasant bit of nostalgia.

But he was past all that now, and it was just him. He could feel the end drawing near, or that may have just been his blood sugar dropping, either way someone was gonna get dropped and soon.

He stepped cautiously into the already lit chamber. He could hear something. It echoed at the very edge of his audible range but there was no mistaking it was someone talking.

He crept closer, keeping behind the massive pillars that circled the room. The talking grew louder, it wasn't yet clear but the tone seemed to suggest suffering.

He peeked out to get a look and was surprised to see a familiar purple turban.

"Professor Quirrell?"

Said professor turned to him looking surprisingly desperate, "Potter, oh thank goodness" he exclaimed waving Harry over.

Having given himself away and utterly confused at the presence of his most timid teacher he did as bade.

"I can't take it anymore, he won't stop" Quirrell wept as he struggled to undo his turban, "you've got to do something."

It took a moment for Harry to realize he was hearing another voice, albeit muffled, and as the turban fell away understanding dawned as he saw what lay beneath.

"Voldemort!" he'd never seen the face but there was no doubt in his mind.

Then he heard what the face was singing and it was only then he felt the true horror… oh 'the horror'.

"Oh sweet Merlin make him stop!" Harry cried.

"I can't" Quirrell bawled, "I think that 'abomination' must have broken him. He won't stop."

The dark lord seemed oblivious to their conversation as he continued 'singing', a vapid grin on his twisted face, "I love you, you love me."

Harry however was all too aware, and he knew if he didn't do something quick his brain would turn to mush.

" _Cranio Frigilius_!"

To Harry's immense relief the spell seemed to work. The face stopped singing at least. Then Quirrell started squealing like he had the world's worst ice cream headache.

"Oh, oh the pain, ahhhh…"

"Yes! The pain, oh glorious pain!" the dark lord exclaimed, "Oh, it hurts so good."

"Yes!" Harry shouted, "that's what it's supposed to do" as opposed to freezing a head in a block of ice.

Quirrell was not quite so pleased as his master and almost poked his eye out trying to hit himself with a finishing charm.

"Oh, oh… oh goodness that was horrible" said Voldemort, "that thing, I just…"

"No, no, trying to forget about that" Harry insisted covering his ears.

"Yes! Yes, I quite agree" the twisted face said, "Let us never speak of it again."

Harry nodded and with that settled… no one was sure what to say. The silence stretched out to uncomfortable levels as neither side knew how to proceed.

"So, this is awkward" Harry finally said.

"Yes, not quite how I envisioned our first meeting" the dark lord agreed.

"Yeah… tell ya the truth I was expecting Snape, not sir stutters a lot… no offence."

"None taken."

"Yes, Snape does seem the sort doesn't he" the dark lord said, "the things I could tell you."

"Yeah, so, how bout that Sorcerer Stone?" said Harry hoping to get this adventure over with so he could go to bed.

"Right, right" said Voldemort "Quirinus, where is it?"

"I don't know my lord" he replied, "I've been looking into this mirror for some time. I see myself holding the stone. But I don't know how to get it."

"What about you Harry?" the dark lord face queried.

Harry stepped up to the mirror. His reflection grinned back, showed him the contents of his hand, then stuffed it into his pocket.

"What do you see?" Quirrell demanded impatiently.

"Uh, I see me, and you, standing here. I think it's broken."

The dark lord sighed, "Really Harry, that's the best you've got? You really need to work on your lying."

The young boy hung his head, "I know."

"Honestly now, you can't just say anything and expect people to believe you" the dark lord went on, "you have to sell it, speak with confidence, say it like you 'know' it."

"I'll remember that" said Harry, "speaking of knowing, I have a question?"

"Oh?"

"Yeah, say you did get the sorcerer's stone, how would you use it to make the elixir of life?"

The dark lord face stared at the boy, and stared, and stared….

"My lord?"

"I'd figure it out!"

"Okay, uh well, you have fun with that" said Harry slowly backing away.

"I will, just as soon as you give me the stone."

"What! What stone? I don't have any stone."

"Okay, seriously, we just went over this" the dark lord said with a McGonagall scowl.

Knowing he'd been made Harry turned and ran.

"Get him!"

Harry was only slightly surprised when Quirrelmort came flying toward him, but only slightly.

" _Expulso Migra_!" he shouted the last new spell he'd found in the book, the spell he'd been saving for Snape.

Quirrell halted mere inches from his outstretched wand, his face twisting and contorting like he was trying to make all the expressions at once.

"What… what have you done?!" the dark lord cried in a strangled voice.

Before Harry could tell him, the dark lord exploded along with the entire back of Quirrell's head. The now deceased professor dropped like a puppet without its strings and Harry saw firsthand the damage he had wrought.

"Explosive Migraine" Harry said staring at the chunky gore that had been a man's head, "might have overpowered that one just a bit, I think."

...

To see all the fun Harry had getting this far, be back next week for the next installment of Hogwarts a History. Mazes and Monsters.


End file.
